I’m not going to pretend that anyone really cares about this blog enough to have missed its semi-regular updates (insert obligatory and unconvincing “oh but we have…definitely…so much…cry ourselves to sleep every night” from the audience), but I still feel the need to justify my nine-month absence.

I don’t have any convincing reason for the radio silence, but I can offer you these very flimsy excuses for my absence from the blog.

I moved house

Anyone who’s ever done it (everyone in the world) will know that moving house is the actual worst. Firstly you have to give up all your weekends to go to awkwardly-timed rental inspections. If you do find a property that has at least four walls and a roof you have to fill out endless forms, requesting 100 points of ID, references, your whole life story and a promise to sacrifice your firstborn child to the real estate business. Once you, by some miracle, get approved for a place you have to put all your belongings into boxes, squeeze said boxes into the back of your 1988 Toyota Corolla, and drive them across town just to unload them and find that your new place has even less storage than your old one and you’re in urgent need of a Marie Kondo decluttering session.

I got a new job

This is far less of a drag than moving, and in my case is actually cause for a Rio de Janeiro Carnival-style celebration as my last job was eight hours a day, five days a week of torture. Starting a new job has still been time-consuming, however, as in addition to the eight hours a day, five days a week I spend actually doing it, I’ve had to allocate at least three further hours per day for the crippling anxiety I experience surrounding my job performance. Each evening I try to calculate how many years, months, days, hours and minutes I have until people start to realise that every ‘achievement’ I’ve ever had has in fact been but a fluke, that I have no actual skills or abilities whatsoever, and that I am in fact a complete fraud. As I’m sure you can imagine these calculations have been eating up a lot of my time.

I got married

Four weeks ago I put on a white dress, travelled to a rustic wedding venue and got myself a new ring. And a husband. While this process only took around 45 minutes, the six months leading up to it featured to do lists that would not end, emails to thousands of wedding suppliers, and coordinating a million tiny little details. The good news is that at the end of it all I got a two week holiday and someone to help with the laundry, so from my four weeks of experience I can safely say that I 10/10 would recommend marriage to anyone considering it.