Canada: my assessment of an entire nation

People often ask my opinion on things, I guess because I have undeniably impeccable judgement teamed with otherworldly accurate insight. It’s not uncommon for people to be brought to tears by my ability to speak truth into their lives, even on the basis of little to no evidence whatsoever. It’s a gift and a curse, but undoubtedly my destiny.

As you will know if your stalker diary is up to date, I have been in Canada for just over a week now and this experience more than qualifies me to make a complete and final assessment of this nation as a whole.

It’s cold here

You don’t need the gift of insight to know this one, but what really surprised me was how freaking cold it actually is. There’s a difference between looking up the weather forecast and actually experiencing -24 degrees celsius in the flesh. Or in the flesh via four layers of clothing, each less equipped to keep out the chill than the last. But as boring people and inspirational magnets say, life goes on, and as long as your favourite products are still sitting on shelves for 15-20% less than Australian retail prices you gotta put on your long johns, two pairs of socks, jeans, fleeced-lined waterproof boots, long-sleeved thermal top, second long-sleeved top, wool jumper, down-filled jacket, scarf, beanie and gloves and get out there. Of course, I’m just joking, the low temperatures are actually surprisingly bearable. From inside a well-insulated and heated house. Joking! (Not joking).

People are really polite here

It’s a cliché that Canadians say sorry all the time, but like all clichés it’s based in a big ol’ pile of truth. We were at Canadian Tire (a kind of Bunnings/Big W/Supercheap Auto/gun shop hybrid) and accidentally pushed our trolley into a woman. Just plain old pushed a trolley into her, and she apologised for being in our way. I have truly found my people. It’s about time someone realised that I have right of way, no matter what. I don’t care that the stop sign is facing me, or that you’re to my right at a roundabout, or you’re in the queue ahead of me. For too long I have suffered at the hands of others expecting me to wait or give way and showing no remorse. I’m moving to Canada.

There are lots of Tim Hortons here (and they’re excellent)

Miles Gilbert “Tim” Horton was a Canadian ice hockey player, generally acknowledged of the strongest of his time. His greatest achievement however lies in founding Tim Hortons coffee shops in 1964. While he may have lacked the ability to correctly punctuate the name of his own business, Tim sure knew how to make doughnuts, bagels and hot chocolates. By 1968 Tim Hortons was a multi-million dollar chain and today there is one on literally every corner. Sadly it seems punctuation wasn’t the only thing Tim struggled with; he also failed to drive with a seatbelt on, while not speeding or under the influence of alcohol. His death in a 1974 car accident was certainly a tragedy that could have been avoided, however his memory lives on in the best hot chocolate I’ve ever tasted, available to all for the staggeringly reasonable price of $1.97 for a large.

Cold weather, polite people and Tim Hortons are the three main ingredients of this country, and it’s a winning recipe. Oh and it’s kinda pretty I guess.

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