Extreme savings plans and why they are the worst: a comprehensive analysis

As you may or not know, I’m HEADING TO FREAKING CANADA in just under two months. This is excellent news (mostly for Canada, tbh) as it will involve four whole weeks of not going to work, wondering exactly which of my poor life decisions led to me having no choice but to spend all day, every day in an office 15km from the CBD and even further from a half decent cafe, staring into a computer screen that looks more and more like the graveyard of my hopes and dreams with every passing day and making small talk with my colleagues, all middle-aged women who haven’t eaten more than ‘just a sliver’ of birthday cake in 20 years.

The only downside of overseas travel (apart from the actual plane trip, which is 26 hours of my own personal hell), is that it generally requires saving money. There’s the obscene price of the plane ticket to cover, plus accommodation and food, not to mention the fact that I plan to shop up a category 4 hurricane while I’m over there. And so, while caught up in the pure euphoria that follows the booking of an international flight, I rashly declared myself to be on an ‘extreme savings plan’ until the trip. I actually said those words. Out loud. In the presence of witnesses.

Look, I do understand money and how it doesn’t grow on trees, and how if I spend several hundred dollars on clothes and make up every other weekend that’s several hundred dollars less I have to spend on, I don’t know, rent or whatever. But at the same time, I just don’t see why I can’t have everything I want all the time. Sadly this is Trump’s world and I’m just living in it, so although it’s totally bogus I’ve had to put myself on an extreme savings plan.

(I’m not actually sure if Trump is an appropriate reference for the point I was just trying to make, but he’s legitimately the only like financial related person I could think of. Like he was the boss on The Apprentice so I’m guessing he knows at least a little about money. The only other person I could think of was my dad’s accountant, but I didn’t think that would make sense to anyone else, plus I don’t remember his name.)

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been on an extreme savings plan before, self-imposed or otherwise, but they suck. The basic concept is that you have to live like a pleb, only buying the essentials, and even then only the homebrand varieties. This nightmarish experience has seen me using 2-ply toilet paper and going to three separate shops to see who has Head and Shoulders on special this week, because as if this extreme savings plan torture wasn’t bad enough I’ve now been struck down with a debilitating case of dandruff.

People keep telling me it will be worth it, and I want to believe them, but right now it just seems boring and lame, which is so damaging to my personal brand. Thank goodness I was well stocked up on high end skincare before the instigation of this extreme savings plan because my skin is already freaking out over who knows what right now and if I had to switch to Neutrogena or something I don’t know what it would do. Saving money is actually a health hazard and I can’t recommend it.

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